Washington, D.C.

"The Federal Communications has just released a year-long report on the status of the internet in the United States. FCC experts regretfully inform citizens that their research has returned bad news: it is unlikely that the internet will be able to return to full status, in the near future or possibly ever. FCC Chairman William Jones stated, “The Y2K event was beyond our expectations, and our knowledge of technology will take years to catch up. For the foreseeable future, we will continue to ration internet usage in the country. There will be no increases in the rations, and we remind citizens that it is illegal to sell, raffle, or auction internet time for money. The Justice Department takes these actions seriously, and any misconduct is punishable by law, including fines and imprisonment.” Mr. Jones would not respond to reporter questions, and within minutes a protest broke out in front of the Capitol building. Protesters held signs stating “Conspiracy!” and “Internet for all!” At the time of publication, Federal Troops were monitoring the scene to make sure violence did not break out."